: i’ve bought a yearly access to a dance masterclass. and honestly, the first thought wasn’t excitement – it was “will I actually use this?”
this one fits my life right now. I #dance every day. I have my own training room (almost ready!). I want better #technique, cleaner lines, more control. this wasn’t some random impulse – it’s exactly on my path. I planned to buy it someday, and today’s discount just pushed me to finally do it.
so I’ll open it today. even for a few minutes. if I do that, it won’t be wasted #money. it will slide into the #routine I’m already building. cross fingers for me.
Thursday, 13.11.2025
: so ok, I did something with this whole november-mood. I took that messy, drifting feeling – the one that’s been chewing on me for days – and I threw it into my therapist-chat profile on chatgpt. the one I use when I’m not looking for diary tips or tech fixes, but for… myself. and the answer I got back? damn. it hit.
not in a “comforting” way. more like: get your shit together, man.
and of course, that felt good.
because honestly, the fact that I even looked for help today is already a good sign. I didn’t let the november autopilot run the show again. I didn’t fall into the “oh well, this is who I am” bullshit. I stopped. I looked for something. I tried to understand what’s happening instead of slipping into the same stupid loop.
and that response… it made things clearer. it didn’t call me weak. it basically said I’m predictable. and predictable is fixable. and that’s exactly what I needed.
so yeah… I’m actually glad I reached for that little help today. even from a robot – which chatgpt basically is. but that doesn’t matter. what matters is that I’m still trying. that something in me still wants the life I want – not the one that appears when I stop paying attention.
and I know there are two more pretty big things I have to fix in my life. well, ok, way more than two. but I’m finally getting strong enough to face at least those two. the ones I know I suck at.
but that’s for another day.
: lately I feel like I’m drifting again. not completely lost, but definitely not where I want to be. that weird in-between space where I keep moving, going to dance classes, checking things off… but somehow still ending the day in a way that doesn’t feel like my life. fast food, a quick show, some scrolling. nothing dramatic. nothing terrible. just… typical. and that’s exactly the problem.
I don’t want a typical life. I can’t afford a typical life if I want the things I say I want.
and it hits even harder because this isn’t new. it’s a pattern. November comes, and suddenly I have two dating apps installed again. I start “looking” for something, even though I have no idea what. fast food sneaks back in. tiny routines I don’t want quietly push away the ones I do. I’ve seen this before. last year, the year before… the same loop.
and that’s when the disappointment lands. because I know I’m capable of more. a few months ago I felt strong, focused, moving forward. and now? now I feel like a regular guy doing regular things. and nothing in me wants “regular.”
the scary part is realising that I actually believed I was past this. that I owned my life now. that I ruled it. and facing these patterns again makes me feel like I’m just a weak human after all. and that weak human… he can’t make my dreams happen. I need to be better than that.
so today I finally said the thing I didn’t want to admit out loud:
I am disappointed with myself. very much.
and maybe this is the start of the anger I’ve been waiting for. just a tiny spark, but maybe it’ll lead somewhere again. the worst part? even that feels like a pattern too. anger → motivation → mobilization → drift → repeat. and I honestly don’t know what to feel about that.
Tuesday, 04.11.2025
: well, a few days ago I installed #strava. and you know what? I think I already uninstalled it in my head.
I wanted to like it. really. I thought: “okay, it’s the main app for sport – everyone uses it, so maybe I should too.” but after a few days, I don’t see it. I don’t feel it. and that’s the problem – I don’t feel it fits me.
sure, it connects my workouts from the #applewatch. but I hate that it pings me after workouts, and that sometimes I have to open the app just to make the sync happen. and then – the flood of notifications. small, random pings about things I don’t care about. it’s supposed to motivate me, I guess, but honestly it just drains me.
and that’s kind of the story with Strava for me – I can see how it works, I understand what it tries to do, but it doesn’t speak my language.
because I don’t want an app that yells “run more” or “beat your record.” I already have that voice inside my head.
what I need is something that understands me – my rhythm, my needs, my life system. something that looks at all my data and says: “Greg, I’ve noticed this pattern. when you dance in the evening, you sleep better. when you skip stretching for two days, your mood drops.”
that’s the kind of feedback I want – not another “congratulations, you earned a badge.”
I’m more of a journal person than a sport app person. I like apps that help me understand myself. that reflect something back to me. I want my apps to sync, to talk to each other, to quietly guide me – not command me. like a wise companion, not a drill sergeant.
and maybe that’s why Strava doesn’t work for me. it’s built for runners and bikers – people who chase stats. but I’m not chasing numbers. I’m chasing awareness. I’m chasing connection. I want something that fits into my whole “fine life” system, not something that just counts calories and speed.
when I think about the perfect app, I imagine something that combines kindness with brutal honesty. like: “Greg, you messed up. you skipped stretching again. fix it.” – but said with love.
I don’t need soft motivation, but I don’t need pushy alerts either. I need truth. the kind that kicks me, but keeps me going.
and maybe one more thing – I like when an app describes me. when it tells me who I am based on what I do. like: “you’re the kind of person who dances late, works in cafés, and runs only when he feels like proving something.” I want that kind of reflection. because it helps me see – and sometimes change – my patterns.
so yeah… maybe Strava is not for me. and that’s fine. because sometimes, trying an app is not about finding a tool – it’s about finding yourself. actually, it’s more than “sometimes.”
Koniec
Tuesday, 21.10.2025
: today i had the pleasure of meeting apple’s #workout buddy. i started a #walking exercise and he (or maybe she?) spoke to me. it was really nice. it told me some stats about my past workouts, encouraged me to keep moving – and that was nice. simple, but super cool, nice job #apple. another little bonus of switching to english.
Sunday, 19.10.2025
: I feel as if I’ve finally fulfilled all the expectations of everything around me – everything that doesn’t align with my main, most important goals in life.
I used to say that I “fucked up” in the past few days. But today I think I can say I just gone through every possible point of wrong choices. It’s Sunday evening, and I feel like I’ve had enough – that I’ve done everything wrong that I had to do – and now I’m ready to return to the right path. The strict one.
I hope this moment becomes a new beginning for me, a spark that starts something big and real in my everyday life. I hope that tomorrow morning I’ll wake up and not only remember all this, but also feel strong motivation to keep going that way.
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