Tag: awareness

Friday, 26.12.2025

: I decided to stop drinking . not as an experiment – as something permanent. I’ve been circling around this for months, mentioning it here and there on my blog. affects me too much, and I don’t like the state it puts me in.

after a few days without it, my body calmed down. mornings were quieter. my head clearer. less tension, less internal noise. I started dealing with silence more easily.

then I was out for breakfast with , at a coffee place. and… I ordered coffee. without thinking. a large one. probably two espressos. no decaf, no pause – old habit took over. and yes, the taste was great.

the reaction wasn’t. tension came back almost immediately. tight chest, restless body, mind speeding up for no reason. after a few calm days, the contrast was brutal. this is what caffeine does to me. I’ve known it for years, but feeling the difference so clearly is something else. they gave me a sugar packet, I added it automatically. once I broke one rule, breaking another was easy. caffeine plus sugar – old pattern, no reflection. that part disappointed me.

I went back to not drinking coffee at home. things settled again.

and then one early morning, with work to finish, I made coffee at home. actually, two. something completely normal for the old me. this time I noticed something new. not just tension – my heart rate went up. not panic, not chaos. smooth, controlled, but clearly faster. my body noticed before my thoughts did.

that moment stopped me.

when caffeine isn’t constant anymore, its effects become impossible to ignore. it’s no longer background noise. it’s a clear signal. coffee isn’t neutral for me. it changes my system. it shifts my internal tempo. it puts me in a state I don’t choose.

this isn’t a lesson learned. it’s part of the . I’m still adjusting. still slipping sometimes. still paying attention. but the decision is clear – I don’t want caffeine in my life as a daily, mindless habit. maybe it can be useful sometimes. maybe not at all. I’ll see.

this post is just a marker. this is where it became obvious.

#awareness#body signals#caffeine#change#coffee#decisions#habits#health#nervous#nervous system#process

Monday, 15.12.2025

: people who visit my place almost always end up in the kitchen. not because it’s cosy. not because it’s beautiful. but because it’s the closest thing to what most homes look like. the closest thing to normal. my living room doesn’t help much — no table, no chairs, no couch. just . a carpet. the floor. #standing… or sitting down there, if you want.

for me, it’s obvious. I stand. I drink coffee . I eat . I talk . I write . my learned this rhythm so well that sitting now feels… strange. unnecessary. almost wrong.

but visitors don’t even hesitate. they walk in and aim straight for the chairs. they sink into them. collapse a little. shoulders drop, arms hang, the gives up holding itself. and suddenly I’m there, upright, — and they’re seated, resting, parked.

it’s not judgement. it’s observation. I realised I didn’t just remove . I stepped out of something they don’t even perceive as a cage.

chairs are not the problem, of course. sitting is not the enemy. it’s what sitting represents when it becomes the default — passive , automatic collapse, life lived with the switched off unless it’s forced to wake up. I know this world. I lived in it. and I don’t want to go back.

what’s interesting is the sadness. not anger. not superiority. just a quiet sadness. because I know how much better it feels on the other side — and I also know that a 30-minute visit won’t change anyone’s nervous system. and it shouldn’t. this isn’t something you explain. you just live it.

recently, though, I introduced something new. a carpet. partly for movies. partly to soften the . maybe — if I’m honest — to soften my abnormality. I used to have floor chairs. no one touched them. bean bags worked a bit better, but I could see people still struggling, never fully comfortable.

the carpet changed things. suddenly there was . room. the possibility to lie down, lean, exist without a frame. and that made me uneasy. because I don’t like shortcuts. shortcuts usually lead back to the old life.

this felt dangerously close to a couch. to creeping in quietly, pretending to be harmless. is tricky. like alcohol. it lowers the friction that usually protects my decisions. it’s often the reason we choose things we wouldn’t choose while fully awake.

but lying on the carpet at night, something surprised me. it wasn’t numbing. it wasn’t collapse. it was . my old yoga mat was narrow. disciplined. precise. the carpet feels wide. open. like my can spread out without disappearing.

maybe not all is the same. maybe some doesn’t put you to sleep — it just gives you room.

I’m watching this carefully. not solving it. not justifying it. not rushing to conclusions. I escaped a trap most people don’t even see. now I’m learning the harder part — how to allow softness without falling asleep again.

and for now… I’m still .

#awareness#body#comfort#furniture#habits#less comfortable#less-comfort#lifestyle#minimalism#presence#present#space#standing
Koniec

Thursday, 30.10.2025

: no dance today. no gym, no . well, ok – with some , I guess, because there’s a lot going on around my place lately. but at least I don’t have to go anywhere today.

I woke up with that small sore throat again – not really , maybe just enough to slow me down. maybe it’s an , maybe not. but it’s a good one – hard to argue with.

I’m sitting at ’s, eating , and for the first time in days, the world feels a bit slower. lately everything’s been moving around me – the renovation at my aunt’s house, people walking through the yard, decisions to make, things to fix, voices everywhere. I don’t mind helping, but it fills the space that used to be quiet. and I miss that quiet.

funny thing is, I like my life now. I like the rhythm I built – the dance classes, the movement, the workouts. but this other rhythm – the constant coordination, the noise – that’s not mine. and I guess my body decided to draw the line for me.

so maybe that’s what this morning is about. not skipping anything, not being lazy. just taking back a bit of stillness. remembering that I don’t have to fill every hour with effort. that silence can be part of the rhythm too.

#awareness#balance#blog#body#breakfast#calm#dance#excuse#life#rest#rhythm#rush#sick#silence

Monday, 20.10.2025

: my last weeks of stupidity made me gain a little weight again – around one, maybe one and a half kilos more than I wanted to keep. so I went back above 73 kg. and that’s actually good – a kind of punishment for the last days, a clear signal that this bullshit is over. because as long as I was below 73 kg, I felt like I still had time, like I could still mess around, still “have fun”, I had that stupid feeling of impunity. but now, when I saw 73.8 kg, it hit me – okay, dude, you’ve gone too far, get back to yourself. it was a final confirmation that I’m returning to strong, disciplined self-care. the end of a period of stupidity, chaos, disorganization, transition. and, strangely enough, a necessary moment. because thanks to it, I made some decisions, changed a few things – things I probably wouldn’t have changed if I hadn’t messed up. so now I’ve taken another step forward. fortunately, I’m starting from +1.5 kg, not +4 kg, so it’s not bad. and I know I have a chance to finally go below 70 kg – something I haven’t done yet. now, with new energy, new tools, new thoughts, I can do it. these are the advantages of my failures. it’s a pity that my growth so often begins with mistakes… but maybe that’s just how I grow – through failure, awareness, and the will to rise again.

#awareness#discipline#failure#health#reflection#self-care#self-improvement#transformation#weight