Tag: habits

Friday, 26.12.2025

: I decided to stop drinking . not as an experiment – as something permanent. I’ve been circling around this for months, mentioning it here and there on my blog. affects me too much, and I don’t like the state it puts me in.

after a few days without it, my body calmed down. mornings were quieter. my head clearer. less tension, less internal noise. I started dealing with silence more easily.

then I was out for breakfast with , at a coffee place. and… I ordered coffee. without thinking. a large one. probably two espressos. no decaf, no pause – old habit took over. and yes, the taste was great.

the reaction wasn’t. tension came back almost immediately. tight chest, restless body, mind speeding up for no reason. after a few calm days, the contrast was brutal. this is what caffeine does to me. I’ve known it for years, but feeling the difference so clearly is something else. they gave me a sugar packet, I added it automatically. once I broke one rule, breaking another was easy. caffeine plus sugar – old pattern, no reflection. that part disappointed me.

I went back to not drinking coffee at home. things settled again.

and then one early morning, with work to finish, I made coffee at home. actually, two. something completely normal for the old me. this time I noticed something new. not just tension – my heart rate went up. not panic, not chaos. smooth, controlled, but clearly faster. my body noticed before my thoughts did.

that moment stopped me.

when caffeine isn’t constant anymore, its effects become impossible to ignore. it’s no longer background noise. it’s a clear signal. coffee isn’t neutral for me. it changes my system. it shifts my internal tempo. it puts me in a state I don’t choose.

this isn’t a lesson learned. it’s part of the . I’m still adjusting. still slipping sometimes. still paying attention. but the decision is clear – I don’t want caffeine in my life as a daily, mindless habit. maybe it can be useful sometimes. maybe not at all. I’ll see.

this post is just a marker. this is where it became obvious.

#awareness#body signals#caffeine#change#coffee#decisions#habits#health#nervous#nervous system#process

Thursday, 25.12.2025

: i’ve just come .

is done. not a trip, not really. just going. driving. staying somewhere that isn’t mine. with my at my #parents’ place – eve and the first day. today I drove them to their mom so they can spend the rest of there.

and now I’m back. . thirty minutes in.

I’ve been waiting for this moment for some time. not only for to end, but for a few things to close at once – stuff, personal stuff, obligations that were just sitting there and taking space. was one of them. now it’s time to move on. finally.

the last few days were hard. being away from drains me. sleeping somewhere else drains me. this whole spectacle drains me. my #parents’ house isn’t my house. I like my rules. my rhythm. my surroundings. I like being . I need that feeling to function. well, in some areas I think.

now there’s finally space. first – . . getting my strength back.

but I can already feel that some things need to be cleaned up. some , some decisions, some leftovers from the last weeks, maybe even months. I don’t want to just go through my . I want to shape it. choose it. live it the way it actually fits me.

so this is where I am. back . resting. and getting ready to move again.

#christmas#daughters#habits#home#independent#life#parents#rest#sleep#work

Monday, 15.12.2025

: people who visit my place almost always end up in the kitchen. not because it’s cosy. not because it’s beautiful. but because it’s the closest thing to what most homes look like. the closest thing to normal. my living room doesn’t help much — no table, no chairs, no couch. just . a carpet. the floor. #standing… or sitting down there, if you want.

for me, it’s obvious. I stand. I drink coffee . I eat . I talk . I write . my learned this rhythm so well that sitting now feels… strange. unnecessary. almost wrong.

but visitors don’t even hesitate. they walk in and aim straight for the chairs. they sink into them. collapse a little. shoulders drop, arms hang, the gives up holding itself. and suddenly I’m there, upright, — and they’re seated, resting, parked.

it’s not judgement. it’s observation. I realised I didn’t just remove . I stepped out of something they don’t even perceive as a cage.

chairs are not the problem, of course. sitting is not the enemy. it’s what sitting represents when it becomes the default — passive , automatic collapse, life lived with the switched off unless it’s forced to wake up. I know this world. I lived in it. and I don’t want to go back.

what’s interesting is the sadness. not anger. not superiority. just a quiet sadness. because I know how much better it feels on the other side — and I also know that a 30-minute visit won’t change anyone’s nervous system. and it shouldn’t. this isn’t something you explain. you just live it.

recently, though, I introduced something new. a carpet. partly for movies. partly to soften the . maybe — if I’m honest — to soften my abnormality. I used to have floor chairs. no one touched them. bean bags worked a bit better, but I could see people still struggling, never fully comfortable.

the carpet changed things. suddenly there was . room. the possibility to lie down, lean, exist without a frame. and that made me uneasy. because I don’t like shortcuts. shortcuts usually lead back to the old life.

this felt dangerously close to a couch. to creeping in quietly, pretending to be harmless. is tricky. like alcohol. it lowers the friction that usually protects my decisions. it’s often the reason we choose things we wouldn’t choose while fully awake.

but lying on the carpet at night, something surprised me. it wasn’t numbing. it wasn’t collapse. it was . my old yoga mat was narrow. disciplined. precise. the carpet feels wide. open. like my can spread out without disappearing.

maybe not all is the same. maybe some doesn’t put you to sleep — it just gives you room.

I’m watching this carefully. not solving it. not justifying it. not rushing to conclusions. I escaped a trap most people don’t even see. now I’m learning the harder part — how to allow softness without falling asleep again.

and for now… I’m still .

#awareness#body#comfort#furniture#habits#less comfortable#less-comfort#lifestyle#minimalism#presence#present#space#standing

Sunday, 07.12.2025

: today I realised something strange about my .

it’s sugarless now. completely. and it’s already becoming a part of my everyday life – almost like a new drink I didn’t plan, but somehow accepted.

for years meant . that tiny hit. that small moment of excitement I liked way too much. it wasn’t really about the coffee itself, just like years ago my walks weren’t about walking – they were about the . the cigarette was the point, the walk was the excuse.

after quitting smoking, the walks stayed.

and now it’s the same story: the sugar is gone, and what’s left is a quiet drink. a calm one.

the taste is different. not worse, not better – just different. and honestly, the first days were rough. the sweetness and the buzz were gone, and I felt it. sugar was an for me, even in those small amounts. it gave me that “something” I kept coming back to.

now the ritual feels cleaner. slower. less emotional. I still miss the old taste, but I’m starting to like this new version. not in the same way, but enough. sip by sip, I’m learning it.

the funny part: today I forgot to add oat milk. I drank a whole cup black and it was… fine. nice even. the old me would never do that – sugar and oat milk were the “proper” combination. now it’s just . a calm moment in the that helps me start the day and continue my with sugar.

I know I could quit coffee entirely someday, but this isn’t the moment. coffee is useful right now. it keeps the ritual alive while I’m cutting out of my life. maybe in a few weeks I’ll look at it again and decide what stays and what goes. maybe coffee will remain. maybe not. for now, I know it has its health benefits and I’m okay with that.

today I’m just noticing the shift. my old exciting drink became my new quiet . and that’s enough for now.

#addiction#cigarette#coffee#fight#habits#health#morning#ritual#sugar

Monday, 01.12.2025

so, I quit sugar

article

today feels like the real beginning of something I’ve been trying to do for years: quitting sugar. completely. and it’s already the second day of this journey.

the funny thing is, it’s not like I’ve been stuffing myself with sweets every day. actually, the opposite. for the last few years I’ve been slowly cutting sugar down, reducing it step by step. well, for most days I guess. let’s put it this way: I had my moments. no dessert after lunch, no candy during the day. drinks were a different story – I haven’t touched regular coke for a long time, but even the zero version felt like drinking something sugary. still, sometimes I managed to avoid that crap. but even with all that progress, I could never make the final cut – the moment where sugar disappears completely from my life. there was always something. a little bit in my morning coffee with oat milk and that one teaspoon of sugar – which I loved having every day. a tiny snack at home. small, harmless exceptions that kept the door open.

and this is the part I could never beat.

until now.

a few days ago I decided that when I finished the sugar I already had at home, I simply wouldn’t buy more. no big ceremony, no diet, no huge rules – just: when the jar is empty, that’s it. and two days ago, I used the last teaspoon.

there was this strange moment when I thought about giving myself one last small goodbye treat. one last sugary coffee. one last piece of that cake I had in my kitchen cabinet. something symbolic. but the more I thought about it, the more it felt wrong. I didn’t want the last treat to decide the ending for me. I didn’t want sugar to get a goodbye celebration. I wanted the choice to be mine.

so I did something I’ve never done before:

I poured the coffee out.

I skipped the cake, just broke it into small pieces and threw it away.

and I decided that I am the one closing this chapter.

and yesterday, I had my first coffee without sugar – and I didn’t fight with it. I didn’t avoid it. I didn’t panic inside like the last times. I just accepted it, calmly, like something that simply belongs in my life now. I wasn’t trying to survive a rule. I was just living with a decision. so many similarities to my first day without cigarettes many years ago.

and you know what? like with cigarettes – the first day without it was quite easy. the excitement of having this new journey, this progress in my life – it helped me survive. the second day is much worse, because you know, I’m not “quitting” anymore. it’s the day of new reality. sugarless reality. so on this second day… coffee without sugar isn’t so good. it doesn’t taste like victory, it tastes like new rules, new me. but it’s ok.

talking all of this through with my chatgpt companion helped more than I expected. it made me say things out loud instead of keeping them floating in my head. it reminded me why this matters: I want more energy. I want to feel healthier – no, I want to be healthier. I want to be stronger in my dance training. I want my mind to be clean and focused. quitting sugar isn’t only about sugar – it’s about trusting myself enough to follow through with something that’s good for me. it’s about getting even stronger.

I know the real test will happen in the store in a few days. that moment when I pass the sugar shelf and my hand automatically wants to reach out. but I also know that if I hold that line for a few days – maybe a week, maybe two – it’s over. for real this time. and I feel it’s coming.

so yesterday was day one of zero sugar. today is just another day of new me.

not because my life was full of sugar before, but because I finally removed the last tiny piece of it.

the final detail.

the last exception.

the door fully closed.

next step?

fast food. eating outside. shutting down another old habit.

see you at the next station – in a few weeks I hope.

#dance#energy#habits#health#lifestyle change#personal growth#routine#sugar free#transformation#zero sugar
Koniec

Friday, 21.11.2025

: I’ve added this to my days now. this tiny from the video. maybe it won’t help me at all, but it definitely won’t harm me. and that’s enough for me to keep (start) doing it.

#daily life#habits#health#routine

Friday, 14.11.2025

Thursday, 06.11.2025

: so, tonight was different.

it’s thursday – my only this week without any dance class. no jazz, no gym, no training.

just me. and that’s usually the zone.

because you know how it goes – a free , some fast food, maybe a tv show, a bit of #scrolling… and then the night’s gone. but not today. today I stopped myself. I just said: no. I put my shoes on and went for a .

and that changed everything.

I was supposed to rest, but I don’t really rest. I rest through motion, through . after a few kilometers I felt lighter, stronger, full of energy. this gave me . to think, to act, to move.

when there’s , there’s excitement. and when excitement becomes routine – that’s the best part. because that means I made it mine.

so yeah. maybe it was just a .

but maybe it was also a small rebellion – against old , against the quiet pull of nothingness. and it worked. I feel alive again.

. that’s what it was.

#change#dance#danger#energy#evening#fuel#habits#health#life#movement#progress#scrolling#transformation#walk

: yesterday I’ve cancelled two . feedbin, and after that also instapaper. nothing big – but something changed.

a few days ago I got an email about my feedbin renewal. not a huge thing, just one of those automatic reminders. I was even going to renew it – it’s not expensive, and feedbin is a nice service. but that one email made me stop. think. and somehow it triggered a whole chain reaction.

I looked at my rss feeds – dozens of them, thousands of unread articles. that wasn’t information anymore, it was baggage. old versions of me, old habits, old curiosities, old languages. like a room full of ghosts – whispering: “read me, remember me, you used to care.” but I don’t. not anymore.

many of them were polish blogs, polish sources, topics I’m not interested in. those feeds were still publishing into a room I no longer live in. every scroll was a reminder of someone I used to be.

so I started cleaning. like I clean my . like a minimalist should. deleting (rss) apps and subscriptions isn’t about data – it’s about weight. emotional weight. unread articles feel like unfinished conversations, like a debt to my past self.

so I let them go. cancelled feedbin, then cancelled instapaper, moved everything into one reader (reeder) app. one that feels light. and it’s probably temporary. or maybe not. I don’t even know if I’ll stay with it. maybe I’ll simplify it even more. but right now, it feels free. not the “I can do anything” kind of freedom – the “I don’t have to” kind.

and that’s the best kind of . people usually add things to feel better. I prefer removing them. one quiet decision, one small click – and suddenly half my digital life rearranged itself.

#change#digital decluttering#freedom#habits#identity#minimalism#rss#space#subscriptions#transformation

Wednesday, 05.11.2025

: …and also, apple music keeps playing me so many songs. and this, I don’t understand. I was never that huge fan of polish music.

well, I like it – it’s my first language after all – but not in this quantity.

maybe I just never told apple music clearly enough not to play me this kind of songs. so, like always in life – the fault’s on my side 🙂

#apple music#habits#humor#identity#language#music#polish#self-reflection

Sunday, 02.11.2025

: so, I’ve installed again. it’s like tinder, you know – swipe, match, chat, repeat. I do this once a year, maybe. I don’t even know why now. because I know it’s not a good idea. you can meet people there, yes, but not the kind of people I actually want to meet. and not in the way I want to meet them.
still, here I am, doing it again.

maybe it’s because I’ve been a bit lately. a little cold, a little tired. it’s hard to be alone when you don’t feel great. when everything’s fine, being alone feels fine too. but when it’s not – that’s when it gets harder.

and maybe… maybe it’s not even about . maybe I just needed to do something. something that feels like movement, but isn’t really. maybe installing the app is just a trick – to make myself believe I’m doing something about that small emptiness inside. like scratching an itch that doesn’t really go away. maybe it’s just my way to calm a few down without actually changing anything. because deep down I know an app won’t change anything. it never does.

this is not a ritual. it’s a moment of weakness.
but also a small experiment in self-control.
because I can watch myself from the outside and think: ok, that’s my brain observing my again.

for most of the year I’m fine alone. maybe not happy about it, but I know it’s best for me. my life isn’t typical. I’m not typical. it’s hard to share a life like mine – full of strange routines, weird habits, constant changes. even my kids, who love being here, probably wouldn’t want to live like me all the time. sleeping on a yoga mat, eating while standing, no table, no chairs. I know. not exactly family-friendly.

and still, sometimes, I just want someone to share a moment with. not to take care of me, not to fix anything. just to share something, to make the hard parts a bit easier. that’s probably what I’m really looking for when I swipe.
but even that thought feels strange to admit. like something slightly shameful. maybe because I think I should be above it. maybe because needing someone feels too human for the version of me that wants to stay in control.

the funny thing is, I don’t even believe in “second halves.” my brain keeps telling me it’s impossible, that it won’t happen. and my brain is usually right. but my #emotions… they don’t care. they just go.

and I have this complicated relationship with my . I don’t like them, because they lead me to wrong things – fast food, Netflix, wasting time. but they also bring me to good things – dance, for example. my brain knew I wanted to start dancing, but it was my emotions that pushed me through the door of my dance school for the first time. same with switching my blog to English. my brain planned it for months, but my emotions just said ok, now. they’re the starter, the accelerator, the reason I actually move.

my brain is the strategist. my are the doer.
and I guess I need both – even if one of them keeps installing once a year.

in the end, maybe it’s not sadness. maybe it’s just physics.
and I’m just learning how to balance the forces.

#badoo#blog#brain#dance#emotions#habits#life#loneliness#physics#reflection#sick
Koniec

Thursday, 30.10.2025

: I haven’t been weighing myself lately, because I’m afraid of what I might see on the scale. so I just let it go. I try not to think about it, not to look at it. I even threw it out of my morning routine, just so I don’t accidentally see the number.

yeah, I know… but the fact that I’m writing about it probably means I’m getting ready to change that.

#body#change#fear#habits#health#progress#reflection#routine#self-awareness

Thursday, 23.10.2025

: sometimes, to make a , you just have to make a . a small one.

like changing the where – or how – you . you know, upside down. just upside down.

start with this tiny thing and see what happens.

and if it doesn’t work, try something else.

change another small thing.

something will stick.

something will click.

and that one small thing might be the tip of the iceberg – the thing that changes everything.

just try. i’m . small thing. another one.

#change#direction#growth#habits#life#mindset#minimalism#reflection#self-development#sleep#transformation#trying

Tuesday, 21.10.2025