: I’ve started new #dance classes. A new place, a completely new space, a new teacher. Everything is new. New movements, a lot of #improvisation. And it’s hard. Really hard.
Most of the time I don’t feel great there. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong — not just with my #body, but also with remembering the #choreography. I miss steps, I get lost, I react too late. What’s interesting is that I’m not even that self-conscious anymore. I was much worse a year or two ago. Still, it hurts. I’m #frustrated. Not angry — frustrated.
In my regular classes, with teachers I know well, I learned how to hide #mistakes. I know my tricks. Here, with someone new, I can’t hide anything. Everything is visible. Every error. The class is two hours long. Two full hours of #struggling with almost every movement. It’s exhausting, emotionally more than physically.
Today was the second class. And it was better. Not good — just a little better. Tiny steps. A long way ahead before I feel comfortable there, but it feels doable. That matters.
Maybe it’s actually easier not to give up because it’s so hard. I’m strange like that. If something is too easy, it doesn’t hold me for long. I need friction. I need #resistance. After these classes, #emotions are high. I’m driving home and I can feel that old pattern waking up — eating stress, eating emotions. But this time there’s a pause. Recording this, then transcribing it, gives me enough space to not buy something awful for my body.
So no, I don’t feel good after these classes. But I stay.
Koniec roku 2026
Koniec
Monday, 22.12.2025
: I went to #avatar 3 yesterday with my #daughters. three hours flew by. visuals, sound, scale, #emotions – everything just worked. pure immersion. no boredom, no checking the time.
it was #fun. genuinely #fun. the kind of #cinema that reminds me why I still like going to the movies. nice job, mr. cameron.
Wednesday, 10.12.2025
: i’m sitting in my favourite #cafe again. well, “favourite” because of what happened a few minutes ago. I was ordering my #coffee, there were three baristas, three young girls. I can’t say I know any of them, but with one of them I always exchange these tiny smiles. those little moments I like a lot. she’s one of these people in my life with whom I have this micro-relation, and somehow it makes my everyday feel better.
I get attached easily… even to this kind of micro-relations. and when I think about it now, I have quite a few of them in my everyday. the girl at the reception in my #dance school – yesterday she said to me: “omg greg, I was worried you won’t be here today, you’re always so early and today it’s five minutes till the lesson starts.” she also smiles at me every time I’m there. but it’s not only girls. I have this with men too. at least two guys come to my mind right now. these small micro-friendships with people who just happen to be on my path.
and the funny thing is – I actually take care of those little connections. I go to places where I know I’ll see these people. there are days when I’m mad at myself that these micro-relations affect me too much. but not today.
back to today. I was standing in line, waiting to order my #coffee. you know, the girls take customers one by one, switching between themselves. when “my girl” was serving the woman in front of me, I felt a bit disappointed. but then she looked up, saw me, and took me next – even if it wasn’t her “turn”. and yeah, she remembered my usual order (old barista trick, but I love it).
but then she said something that made my whole day:
“i haven’t seen you here for some time and missed you already.”
she actually said this to me.
a tiny sentence that brought me here, sitting with my coffee and realising how much I appreciate these micro-relations in my life. maybe I’m not the best with the big ones… hmm. not sure why I think like that. probably for another entry.
today I just appreciate this #coffee and these small micro-relations that make my days softer.
Wednesday, 03.12.2025
: yesterday was a really good evening with @anna . feels worth writing down. I’m a bit surprised – in a good way – by how this relation is growing.
Koniec
Sunday, 30.11.2025
: today is one of those strange emotional days. nothing dramatic, but something inside me shifted. I overslept, missed my #sunday classes, and suddenly everything felt heavier than it should. I can feel that I sacrificed a lot this week – #dance, #routines, little pieces of myself – and today that weight finally showed up. I’m not making decisions, I’m not digging into it. I just want to note it down: today feels confusing, lonely, a bit disappointing. I’m noticing it. just noticing. I’ll look at it again tomorrow, with a clearer head.
Tuesday, 18.11.2025
: so I’ve been thinking about this whole “I’m #weird” thing. I said it a few times lately, talking about my #lifestyle, the way I live, the choices I make. it’s always been the easy shortcut – just call myself #weird and move on. easier to say “I’m #weird” than “I live differently”. easier to joke than to stand there and admit I’m choosing a life most people don’t choose.
but after two days of letting this sit in my head… no. I’m not #weird. this isn’t about weirdness at all. this is about #courage. simple as that.
#courage to live the way I want, not the way everyone else expects. courage to stop copying the standard life package and do things I actually want to do. courage to skip the things everybody else does without thinking. courage to pick my own path, even if it looks strange from the outside.
and yeah… maybe to some people it is weird. maybe for me it’s easier to label it that way because being different still scares me sometimes. but the truth is: I have a great life. not perfect, not always easy, but mine. I get to chase dreams – or at least try – and not many people do that. not many even dare.
there are moments full of doubts, frustration, anger at myself… but there’s also this huge part of me that’s just happy. happy with the choices I make, with the adventures I have, with the strange little rituals of my everyday life.
so maybe I shouldn’t say it’s weird. but if it is… fine. let it be weird. because honestly, who the hell has a life like mine? with this mix of chaos, courage, emotions and these ridiculous, beautiful adventures?
Monday, 17.11.2025
i love:
my #life in this little house, with all these tiny #rituals holding me together. it hits me especially on days like this, when I move through everything in sync with my #emotions… not fighting them, not running from them, just flowing a bit. and suddenly this small space feels like the whole world I need. ↗
Sunday, 16.11.2025
: another one of my #plants is dying, and it hits me harder than I want to admit. I know it’s “just a plant”, but for me it never feels like that. they’re my little family. my quiet #pets. I’m attached to them in this strange, simple way, and every time one of them stops doing well, something in me sinks.
I keep around thirty of them. most of them are fine, living with me, growing slowly, existing in their quiet way. but some of them… some of them don’t make it. some of them I fail to take care of. and it’s sad every single time. it shouldn’t hurt this much, but it does.
maybe it’s because I try. I look at them, I water them, I move them around, I check the soil, the light, everything. and when I still can’t help – that’s when it really gets me.
so that’s my little thought for today. I just want to keep it here, in my diary. there was this plant. it lived with me. and now it doesn’t.
Friday, 14.11.2025
: fuck. one of my favourite coffee places closed for good. another one. I kinda saw it coming – it was always half-empty, which is exactly why I loved it. quiet, calm, a place to hide for a moment.
and of course, those are the ones that disappear first.
Thursday, 13.11.2025
: lately I feel like I’m drifting again. not completely lost, but definitely not where I want to be. that weird in-between space where I keep moving, going to dance classes, checking things off… but somehow still ending the day in a way that doesn’t feel like my life. fast food, a quick show, some scrolling. nothing dramatic. nothing terrible. just… typical. and that’s exactly the problem.
I don’t want a typical life. I can’t afford a typical life if I want the things I say I want.
and it hits even harder because this isn’t new. it’s a pattern. November comes, and suddenly I have two dating apps installed again. I start “looking” for something, even though I have no idea what. fast food sneaks back in. tiny routines I don’t want quietly push away the ones I do. I’ve seen this before. last year, the year before… the same loop.
and that’s when the disappointment lands. because I know I’m capable of more. a few months ago I felt strong, focused, moving forward. and now? now I feel like a regular guy doing regular things. and nothing in me wants “regular.”
the scary part is realising that I actually believed I was past this. that I owned my life now. that I ruled it. and facing these patterns again makes me feel like I’m just a weak human after all. and that weak human… he can’t make my dreams happen. I need to be better than that.
so today I finally said the thing I didn’t want to admit out loud:
I am disappointed with myself. very much.
and maybe this is the start of the anger I’ve been waiting for. just a tiny spark, but maybe it’ll lead somewhere again. the worst part? even that feels like a pattern too. anger → motivation → mobilization → drift → repeat. and I honestly don’t know what to feel about that.
Wednesday, 05.11.2025
: well…. my ex-wife asked the Church to erase our marriage. wow. I said no. not because I’m angry or want to make anything harder, but because I can’t agree to delete a part of my life that was real.
our story ended long ago – but it did happen. and it mattered. I can’t accept the idea of pretending that a huge, beautiful, complicated part of my past was just some mistake that should be erased.
I lived it consciously. I knew what I was doing. I took those vows honestly. and I believed – in my own way, maybe not perfect, maybe not always strong, but real. faith is not a competition. it’s not about who believes “more.” and nobody gets to measure it for you.
I don’t want to cancel my past. I don’t want to cross out the years that shaped me, taught me, and still live somewhere inside me. it was real. it was love. it was life. and it deserves to stay part of my story.
you can move on without erasing what once was.
: I have Tourette’s. a pretty mild case. I’m fine with it – I can control it, or rather blend it into my daily life, my movements. it’s all good, I don’t feel bad about it. people usually don’t even notice – even the ones who’ve known me for years.
BUT! things get really weird when I use my #apple devices.
oh man, that’s when the tics start being a real issue.
but not real tics – the ones #apple makes me do. the ones I actually love. I keep moving my head in random directions, answering #siri through my #airpods. I wave one hand around to control my apple watch. and sometimes the other hand shakes too – enough to activate the damn “shake to undo” gesture on my iphone.
now that must look strange.
: #apple#music, when I play something called “my station”, keeps giving me sad songs. well, mostly. spotify didn’t do that. and i wonder – does apple music think i’m a sad person? need sad songs? need this reflection time with music? or does it just remember me as that person?
I used apple music for many years, then switched to #spotify just a year ago. and honestly, I’m a completely different person now. #spotify knows only the new me – without the old luggage.
three years ago, my life was quieter. I was rebuilding, searching for my new self. kind of lost in some ways, unsure what to do, I guess. transforming.
and when I started using spotify, I was already dancing, moving, breathing differently. had that energy that spotify saw – and learned.
so maybe it’s time to raise apple music to who i am now.
Tuesday, 04.11.2025
: so I’ve just finished another jazz class – first one with a new choreography. and I have to say one thing. ech… it’s jazz. no, no, no — it’s fucking jazz!
I’m still failing at it. well… ok. I’m learning. it’s a fail for me only because I’m not as good as I want to be. I know, I know – these are lessons, we’r all learning how to dance, it’s all part of the process. but come on, come on, come on. I have to shake off all these emotions. and I’m… oh, I’m so bad at this that I don’t even want to watch the video from this choreography. I recorded it to learn – but honestly, I’m not sure if I can even look at it. it was hard, sure. but still, I feel like I should’ve done better.
so yeah. this is jazz. no – this is fucking jazz.
: oh man, I can’t stop laughing. I’m sitting in a #café and a little boy walks in – maybe 8 or 9 years old. he orders something tiny, espresso-sized – maybe a mini hot chocolate, maybe even #coffee. doesn’t matter. and let’s not even get into whether he should be drinking that at his age.
but he ordered it. got it served in one of those tiny espresso cups… and then had to carry it – full! – across the entire #café without spilling a drop.
not an easy task when you’re 8. and it really was a big #journey for him. he walked. slowly, carefully, like on a tightrope. eyes locked on the cup, every step deliberate and precise.
it took him a full two minutes to reach a free table – with some people’s eyes glued to him and his little #journey.
he finally sat down, drank the whole thing in three seconds… and walked out.
and I nearly burst out laughing. all that effort – for what? 🙂
Sunday, 02.11.2025
: so, I’ve installed #badoo again. it’s like tinder, you know – swipe, match, chat, repeat. I do this once a year, maybe. I don’t even know why now. because I know it’s not a good idea. you can meet people there, yes, but not the kind of people I actually want to meet. and not in the way I want to meet them. still, here I am, doing it again.
maybe it’s because I’ve been a bit #sick lately. a little cold, a little tired. it’s hard to be alone when you don’t feel great. when everything’s fine, being alone feels fine too. but when it’s not – that’s when it gets harder.
and maybe… maybe it’s not even about #loneliness. maybe I just needed to do something. something that feels like movement, but isn’t really. maybe installing the app is just a trick – to make myself believe I’m doing something about that small emptiness inside. like scratching an itch that doesn’t really go away. maybe it’s just my way to calm a few #emotions down without actually changing anything. because deep down I know an app won’t change anything. it never does.
this is not a ritual. it’s a moment of weakness. but also a small experiment in self-control. because I can watch myself from the outside and think: ok, that’s my brain observing my #emotions again.
for most of the year I’m fine alone. maybe not happy about it, but I know it’s best for me. my life isn’t typical. I’m not typical. it’s hard to share a life like mine – full of strange routines, weird habits, constant changes. even my kids, who love being here, probably wouldn’t want to live like me all the time. sleeping on a yoga mat, eating while standing, no table, no chairs. I know. not exactly family-friendly.
and still, sometimes, I just want someone to share a moment with. not to take care of me, not to fix anything. just to share something, to make the hard parts a bit easier. that’s probably what I’m really looking for when I swipe. but even that thought feels strange to admit. like something slightly shameful. maybe because I think I should be above it. maybe because needing someone feels too human for the version of me that wants to stay in control.
the funny thing is, I don’t even believe in “second halves.” my brain keeps telling me it’s impossible, that it won’t happen. and my brain is usually right. but my #emotions… they don’t care. they just go.
and I have this complicated relationship with my #emotions. I don’t like them, because they lead me to wrong things – fast food, Netflix, wasting time. but they also bring me to good things – dance, for example. my brain knew I wanted to start dancing, but it was my emotions that pushed me through the door of my dance school for the first time. same with switching my blog to English. my brain planned it for months, but my emotions just said ok, now. they’re the starter, the accelerator, the reason I actually move.
my brain is the strategist. my #emotions are the doer. and I guess I need both – even if one of them keeps installing #Badoo once a year.
in the end, maybe it’s not sadness. maybe it’s just physics. and I’m just learning how to balance the forces.
so… it was last Tuesday of the month, and the last round with this #jazz#choreography. and yeah, it’s not exactly a masterpiece from my side – actually far from it. closer to tragedy – especially when I’m watching it. but you know, it’s #jazz – my own little nightmare – and it’s tricky. it always is. I regret that I’m not as good as I’d like to be. but maybe that’s fine.
i’m putting this #video up here – again – and again, it’s kind of a little reality check for myself.
it’s the last take of this piece, so it’s like: okay, this is where I’m at, and this is how much work there still is to do. and that’s that.
new choreo next Tuesday.
Thursday, 30.10.2025
: yesterday I started new modern jazz classes at my #dance school – @revolution dance center . new trainer, @anna . I remember I had one or two classes with her before, few months ago, when she was replacing someone. i remember it was nice. and now she’s here again, with her own group. so i joined.
first classes are always strange. everyone’s new, everything’s new. but i like that. I like training basics, even though i’m not good at them. that’s exactly why I like them – because there’s always something to fix, something to polish. and Anna has her own style – soft but demanding. new movements, new way of thinking, new rhythm. and that’s what i need.
I had to resign from classes with @kamila , which was hard. I really like her. but I still have her classes on monday and friday, so I didn’t lose her completely. i just added something new. but yesterday, when I watched a video from @kamila other group – the one I left – I felt jealous and had #fomo. they were dancing this new project choreography and it looked great. and I missed it. I missed being there.
but I know this is the right decision. because if I want to grow, I have to keep changing. I can’t stay in one place, even if it’s a good one. every trainer has their own piece of the same dance style – maybe 10% of it – and if i keep learning from just one person, I’ll only ever get that 10%. but when I change, I get another 10%, and then another. and maybe that’s how I’ll build the whole picture one day.
so, I guess this is not only about dance. that’s just how I live. i can’t stay in the same place too long. I need new things, new ideas, new people around me. that’s how I grow. that’s how I breathe.
sometimes I wonder what’s next. in my dreams, I see myself as a dancer who can show his dance, maybe teach someone how to move, maybe even stand on a stage and inspire others. and when I wake up, I’m still just here – at my school, with my classes, learning, training. maybe i don’t believe in myself enough. or maybe I just love this road so much that I don’t want it to end.
and maybe one day I’ll do something crazy again – something that will change everything. because I know myself. I probably will.
Monday, 27.10.2025
: #dreams are such a strange thing. it’s like my head goes totally crazy, living in its own world, going on its own #journey. last night’s dream was exactly like that. I dreamt about some kind of alternative life – living in a different place, a small apartment somewhere in Warsaw, I guess. and it felt so! real!
when I woke up, I didn’t actually know where I was. for a couple of minutes, I was convinced the dream was my real life. like my head refused to come back.
I like dreaming, especially now – after fixing so many things in my life. when there are no hidden fears anymore, when I can actually deal with my own shit. #dreams became not only tolerable, but even kind of pleasant. they don’t scare me anymore.
but last night… was an intense experience.
Wednesday, 22.10.2025
: i’m sitting in a coffee shop ( @green cafe nero ), writing, thinking, planning the rest of the day, calming down. and then a group of young girls walks in. seven, maybe eight of them. around nine or ten years old. they make so much noise, running all over the place, getting excited about a free glass of water they got from the barista, ordering small coffees or whatever that was. and they’re everywhere.
i look at them and think – what a great way to spend time with friends. and i’m jealous. jealous of that energy, of that life, of being so #active and happy. i’d love to live like that. well, actually, i try to live like that, with the same kind of energy. but it’s hard to find people my age who want to live like that too – who want to move, laugh, run around like those girls.
i just hope they’ll never turn into those tired, drained, sitting, always-resting adults. mentally, or maybe energetically, i feel closer to those ten-year-old girls than to “my people”.
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